DAYAZUL <3.

My new blog.

www.pop-rockx.blogspot.com

GOODBYE.

Maybe I shall just start a new blog. Start a new chapter. I think that would be better. Once I've finished doing my new blog, I shall update there and this blog.....will just remain as memories.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

Never-ending.

I have so much time in the world right now. Even though I'm working.

In a moment of boredom, I googled almost about anything and everything. Mostly reading up stories about a cheating boyfriend, or signs of your boyfriend is cheating on you (there's even a forum about boyfriends cheating through FACEBOOK! and getting caught. oh well, nothing new in that). Well most of it is about relationships. And I realised, being in world that is all about networking, (read: facebook, twitter, tumblr) it's becoming harder to have a simple relationship.

Example: FACEBOOK.

Ar yes. The world of relationship status, daily status updates, liking someone's status or photos. It's just an online network!! Right? Errr wrong. Sometimes I do get jealous or feel unloved when my boyfriend comment on someone's status or 'liking' someone's status or photos every hour but doesn't do the same AT ALL when it comes to me. IT'S JUST AN ONLINE NETWORK. I repeat, JUST AN ONLINE NETWORK but why do I feel that way? Does that mean he doesn't care and can't be bothered? Well, I feel jealous when I see couples commenting on each other's status. It's cute and sweet, you know. Especially if the guy comment on the girl's wall saying I love you or miss you and all that. I mean everyone's gonna see that. It's pretty sweet don't you think? I'm not saying the guy must do that everyday! Once in a while kan best?? :( The disadvantages of Facebook.
What can I say? I feel so single in Facebook. He has the time to comment other people's status but not mine. And even have the cheek to say aku nie kpo padahal die BESAR PUNYER KPO tk tau hal lagik. Sume orangnye status, gambar sume comment. Atleast aku tk gitu. So sape yang kpo eh skrng?? Musibot.

And one more that I MUST highlight. The signs of cheating.

He never answers his cell phone around you. A way to tell if your boyfriend is cheating is if he always turns his ringer off around you or walks out of hearing distance from you. These are big big red flags he may be cheating. If he receives calls at odd hours or speaks on the phone in a strange manner could also be signs he is cheating.
-He does that EVERY SINGLE TIME. HMMMM..........................

I feel like running away. Running from everything in this life. If only there's a reset button.

I'm sick and tired of myself. I hate the way I am. Not on the outside but on the inside. I seriously hate ME. Just feel like killing myself. Where's that happy-go-lucky Daya? The one who doesn't give a fuck. The one who doesn't really bother whether this guy is interested in her or not. The one who was not paranoid or insecure with the people around her? I WANT HER BACK!!!!!!!

Why the fuck am I like this? Do I have myself to blame??!!
I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME.
Every human being in this world has a choice. But I choose to let people step all over me, lie to me, crushed my self-esteem till I feel so insecure. Taking advantage of my kindness. I didn't know it would affect me in the long run.

If ever I was back to being alone, I don't think I will be the same girl ever again. I will be a girl with lots of baggage that no guy can ever stand me. Yes, I'm probably at my lowest right now this year. I'm so messed up. :'( And I only have myself to blame for this.................

I just hope somebody will save me from myself.

*****************************

I love you so fucking much.

FULLSTOP.

Changing URL soon. :)

____________________________________________________________________

I know I might be hard to handle sometimes.
I know I drive you crazy with my constant mixed feelings.
I know I drive you mad with my moodswings.

Sometimes I just wished that I could keep it all inside but I can't. Anything that I'm unhappy about, I will SURE to tell you straightforward. Even if it's harsh. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I just hope you won't give up on me one day.

I've been surfing the net about boyfriends who keep telling you mean things when they are mad.
I guess I'm not alone. There's tones of them out there.

I show you my favourites.

This is gonna be a loooooooong post.

'I used to think this was normal fighting behavior, until I met my current boyfriend. One time he said something along the lines of "why are you being such a b*tch?" Immediately he turned bright red and said, "oh my goodness, that is so disrespectful, I will never, EVER do something like that again. I love you and you are not a b*tch." He appoligized all night. That was over a year ago, and he has never said anything even close to that again. If this guy really cared about you, he would have never did it in the first place, or learned his lesson the first time he hurt your feelings.' - Wow. That's super sweet. Wished he was like that.

This is weird. I had a massive fight with my boyfriend last night and this is what happened. He called me some unrepeatable things. Not uncommon for him to do so. I'm so torn up and upset about it this morning. Almost sick to my stomach about it. The fact that he can say these things to me. I would never do that to him, no matter how mad I was. So I open up DearSugar, and this is the first post I see. It's like someone is trying to tell me something.

My bf did the same thing to me once...and it did rreally hurt.He felt really bad and hasn't done anythign like that since. I just pretty much said that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who called me names.(Me- See. He told me i'm being merepek if i wanna break up because of what he says. Well guess what, I'm not alone. *jeling) It's too stressful for me, and it's not something I need in my life.I let him know if he EVER did that again, I would leave. And I wasn't kidding. And he knew. And that's why it hasn't happened since, and won't happen again.

MY FAV: You say he apologizes after he's done being an ass, but he continues w/ the same abusive behavior. So, the next time he says that he wishes he never met you, laugh in his face, tell him you can't go back in time, but see if this helps. Then you pack up your stuff, and leave. Don't call him, try to have zero contact with him, and FORGET about him. It'll be like you two never met. Harsh maybe, but he treats you like crap, and you deserve much better than this. Go out there, find a mature man that knows how to have a mature argument, with no name calling or verbal abuse.

Im having this same problem currently in my own relationship. But the problem didnt really hit me completely until last monday, when I got into a small argument with my boyfriend and he blew up and called me an idiot, lazy, a loser and a f*cking b*tch really loudly and within a time span of 3 minutes. I was in shock and told him he needs to cool off and think about how hes speaking to me, but he didnt care. Less than two hours later he was trying to cuddle and say he loves me.
I think these reactions are definitely childish. Sometimes, I think women develop more rapidly in a relationship because they are honestly trying to understand the partner, no matter how hard it may be. Men can be prodded and hurt sometimes more deeply then women, and what we may take to be an angry reaction is also a reflection of inner hurt.
Another problem is dependency. If you were to break up with your boyfriend today, could there be anything he could really do to hurt you, except call you more names? If you live with him, are involved with him seriously or have made a commitment to each other, then it is even harder to just pick up in leave. I think you should take a step back and evalulate your situation and/or future with this individual and make the most healthy choice for yourself. There is no reason to feel abused or unwanted, because all women are beautiful and deserve to be treated exactly how they treat others. If you have an out, then make it. If hes so stubborn and egotistic that he doesnt care if you would leave him because of this, then this relationship isnt worth it in the long run, because he doesnt respect you, let alone love you.

*I just break down and cry every time, I can't help it, but hearing someone who claims to love you so much calling you the worst names under the sun (that no one else in your life has ever called you) it's very upsetting and I'm in a position where I find it very hard to decide what to do.
...

Wow. This girls really did speak for me. After reading all that, more actually, I came to realise that I'm not the only kookoo head who wants to break up after an arguement that results in him saying mean things to me. Thousands of girls in this world feel me!

So how now brown cow? What am I supposed to do?

..........................................................................................................................................................................

What a night! A small matter can turn into something big. Things wont be so chaotic if his hp batt didn't died on him.

Actually I didn't notice his hp was off till his mum called me around 10+ asking whether am I with him or not cos she texted and called him but didn't reply. Hmm.. At first I thought he wanted to shut himself from the world. But I pretty much guessed that his hp might be running low. But that doesn't stop me from feeling fine. I thought he wanted to play that chasing game again. Where I be the fool, and he'll be my top prize. So I called his friend who was with him in the afternoon. He also told me he can't get through. And I guessed he told the others.

To be honest, I was really extremely hurt from yesterday. I went home straight and locked myself in my room and cried my hearts out. Those words keep playing in my mind. And truthfully, i had that thinking. But I refrained myself from saying those words. I really did. It was tough man! I already swith off my lights and wanted to cry myself to sleep but I couldn't. I got pretty restless and you know what I did? At 9+ I went out. With who? This guy i knew...... just kidding! Hahaha. I went out with Yati. I just need to go out. So I suggested town. The next thing i knew, we were eating at KFC at Cine. And that was when his mum called. Ikotkan hati, aku pon nak main ikot main the hilangkan diri game. But i didn't msg him till 12+.. Yati was talking all the way but my mind was somewhere else. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't even concentrate what the hell she was saying. Hahaha.

Sempat main Left4dead! But it wasnt as fun like how I played with him. :( Sampai nak termuntah ok! First time. And wtf? We were stucked in a room for like 10mins cos we both didn't know how to open the damn door!!! Nbcb. And maybe cos hati tk senang beh game main mcm mabok. Ape lagi. Great combo. After that chill at Starbucks and we went home. My body was there but my mind was at somewhere else. I even brought Yati to the usual carpark(s) where he park his bike. Hoping that he was there. Mane tau kan die nak main game. Nak shoot shoot zombie lepaskn geram.

Oh well. Even though I was badly hurt, i tried playing the water even though what I really wanted to do was punch him in the face. I hate hate hate chasing. I no longer enjoy chasing him around. I had enough of those games last time. Now, what I would try to do is just leave him alone. As for me? I might be angry and very vulgar when we fight but once we cooled down for an hr or so, when he calls i will be ok already. I won't be like ape lah! Nak ape?? I'm not usually like that ar I think. But him? I hate it when i tried to play the peacemaker but he will be like ' ape lah?? Nak ape lagi?? Aku da malas ar.. Apape2 msg ar.' That is why I hate playing nice cos all I will get will be those lines. Nothing much lah but I feel like shit. Aku adelah nak baik2 kan keadaan, kau masi nk tunjuk ego? Wtf. K chill eh.

But after all that drama, well I think we are fine now. Fights are normal. But don't say things that hurt your partners badly like as if there's no more tomorrow. Invisible pain are the one that hurt the most. And don't forget, tongues determine our eternal destination. So, becareful of what you say. You might just regret it. And no, you definitely can't take back your words.

The damage is already done.

GOD, I'LL TRADE 2 YEARS OF MY LIFE IF YOU COULD NUMB MY HEART FROM PAIN AND HURT TILL MY VERY LAST BREATHE.

I BEG YOU.

I DON'T WANNA FEEL HURT AND PAIN EVER AGAIN.
IT SUCKS.

PLEASE GRANT MY WISH.

Yeah go on, make it a habit of calling me names when I answered your questions wrongly.
Tell me I'm being nosy when I ask all the simply questions like where you go or what you're doing.

I'm sick of all that. Seriously. As far as I know, you were not like that before. Things have changed huh? Maybe you're beginning to be bored with me. Fine, I totally got your hints.

Maybe if this isn't what you wanted, just tell me straight in the face.

As for now, I should try really hard to not care so much. The problem with me is that I care too much. Well, it doesn't pay to be concern. Some people just think you're being nosy. Oh well, kate da bosan. Ape2 yg orang tu buat or cakap, die mesti feel irritated by it. And you're definitely showing me that.

Thanks a lot.

So finally i'll be working office hours soon! And I am indeed very happy with that. Near my place somemore. Got transport and lunch provided! Nice keper. Can save money!

So plans for Zoukout is definitely ON!! No worries cos weekends off. Thank goodness. Or else must take urgent leave. Wtf? The Twd gangs are going but most probably I'll just see them there. Tu pon kalau terserempak. Leceh ar g ramai2. Nanti satu nk g sane, lagi satu nak g sini. Nanti last2 sume hilang. Macam tk tau gtu. So g sendiri2 lagi better. Must really enjoy cos the tix is so damn expensive! Belom termasok makan and minom. Leh mampos.

So i'll be working with baby today. Extra money. And next Sat also. Eh good idea eh kalau weekend I also work part-time but confirm damn tired sia. I'm already a heavy sleeper. Then must wake up at 7 everyday. Confirm tired. But i'll try of cos. Next sat 9-11pm sia! Leh mampos also. Nvm think of money.

Okla have a nice Saturday!

I miss my baby. It's only been 2 days since we last met and it already feels like ages. Ya like whatever kan??

And I don't know why my mood was kinda shaky today. I guess I waited for him the whole day to talk to him on the phone but ended up fighting over something stupid which till now I'm not really sure why he was angry. I mean c'mon. You've been together for long. You have probably known his or her normal behaviour by now. You know when he or she is angry or sad right?

So I called him after a while. I know I said I won't but I was missing him too much. :( And ended up crying for no apparent reason? I was................sad? I don't know.

Oh well. I really miss you a lot today baby.

Private entry on Livejournal. :)

Daya I'm a sucker for LOVE. Not interested in dramas. Deeply in love with her one and only, Mohd Faizrul <3

I know you want me,you know I want you too.

Lovers and Fighters Since 20th July 2007